melancholy has a bit of a hold. i’m not feeling overly negative about things, just have this little grey cloud over my head. i’m kind of trying to keep my head down, keep crocheting, keep knitting, waiting for it to pass.

i am starting to face these feelings, though, and figure out the true source. the answers are like sparks of light in a darkened room, quick and fleeting and leaving you a little bit stunned. i have control over some of this, i need to act on it.

things have been a bit stale of late. it shows in my musical choices. my listening habits are meandering and nothing is lighting me up at the moment. i’m trying to jar that perspective by spending the day listening to viggo mortensen and buckethead. yes, that viggo. he does a lot of strange, avant guarde music experiemental things. weird and amazing and perfect for when you feel weird and strange and like maybe you could be amazing if you could tap that part of yourself where all the avant guarde things live.

i miss writing, but feel like there are holes in my perspective that make it difficult to relate to certain things that belong in the stories i write. it may just be a wall i’ve put up because i’m occupied with other thoughts and projects and it makes for a simple excuse to not write. also, my hands are paying the consequences of a ton of work at work lately.

sometimes i wish that i wasn’t so narrowly focused on things. when i got on this knitting/crocheting jag, i figured i’d still be able to do other things. nope, same old story as with everything else. do it until something else steps up to take its place. it’s not so much out of balance as it is selectively unbalanced. seems i’m meant to pass through ‘phases’ rather than doing bits of everything. makes planning out creative projects ahead of time dicey at best. still, it’s better than my old way and i do feel less pressure to make sure i stick with things. i’m more confident nowadays that it will all cycle around eventually.

didn’t know i was going to ramble on that much. hmmm. i think i’ll blame the cloudy, grey day and the strange music.