i would love to find a tai chi class, to work with an experienced instructor who could correct all the things i know that i am doing wrong. there are subtlties i’m missing and a million questions i’d love to ask someone regarding every bit of footwork and hand position in the form.

so i continue my search for someone to guide me and here is where the struggle comes in, along with a few more, deeper questions.

there are a few potential class situations that i could fit into my schedule. none of them are as local as i would like, thereby increasing the weekly time commitment to the class. my spiritual self asks “is this a sign that the time is not right?” and follows up with the old adage “when the student is ready, the teacher appears”. am i not ready? in my heart, i think i know the answer to the question.

i want to be ready. i want a teacher to guide me and help me follow this path. i can sense the potential here. the changes in my mental state since i started sincerely practicing have been noticible. i am not being as creative as i could be, almost all of my projects have fallen by the way side, but i’m learning to let go of that pressure. i feel like i’m rebuilding my foundation. something very deep inside of me has been broken for a very long time and it seems that now is the time to fix it. i’ve been running on fumes for far too long.

the other day i told a few of my nearest and dearest that i wanted to learn tai chi so that i could teach and i would charge $5 a lesson so that anyone could afford it. i meant it in reaction to all the trouble i’m having finding a class that fits my schedule and budget. it was an off-handed comment, but something about it keeps sticking in my head. i wonder if i set off some kind of deeper intention here, as if i put a thought out to the universe and one day it will come back and present me with the opportunity to fulfill that intention.

with all that in mind, i don’t feel like i can rush this. it’s too important to just dive in all full of unfettered inspiration, for that manic energy fades all too quickly for me. i need to find the right situation, the right teacher, the right time. i know that sounds like i’m setting myself up for a long wait, but when i listen to what my heart is telling me, i know i’m right. getting my head to listen is another story entirely.

of course i wish i had started this process sooner. that is a big part of what my mind fixates on. it says “okay, took us long enough to get here, let’s go!” and i have to reign that in. i have to teach my head that it’s okay to simply start from here, not from five years ago, or ten, or even twenty. and my head doesn’t like that one bit. it almost makes me cry in frustration.

i have inspiration and good intentions and feel ready to throw myself into the unknown, but i have to wait. i need to learn patience and discipline. i need to know that my heart is in the right place and ready.

so i have to release this crazed energy. i’ll simply put my head down and keep working with what i have in front of me. i’ll give my desires over to fate and the universe, trusting that guidance will come when i have true need.