hey. got lots going on. gonna have a big talk this evening about our futures and where we are going to live. the current rental situation is not going to continue working. almost five years in this house. it is our home, but there has always been a tiny twinge of “no, can’t do that, it’s not our house”. don’t get me wrong, i am comfortable there. one of my fondest wishes is that we would be able to buy our own place and i could paint my bedroom ceiling blue with stars. i’d have a green carpet, and a separate room to do my creative stuff in. that’s my dream.

since this whole moving thing has come to light, i’ve been very stressed about it. to avoid thinking about it too much, i’ve tried to a) shift my attention to things i can do to help like get a new job and b) looked inside myself in that “introspective, find out who i really am” kind of way.

the job search has yielded no results, but the website is under construction. the introspection thing actually goes hand and hand with the search. i am trying to figure out why i want to be a graphic designer/artist. what is it that is drawing me to the visual mediums? is it because it seems to come easily to me? is there a deeper reason? what will keep me motivated on this path for the forseeable future? am i doing the right thing?

okay, just call me self doubt girl. i am the queen of questioning myself to the point of paralysis, which then becomes a self fulfilling prophesy when i don’t accomplish my goals.

got to really look at why this questioning is occuring now. i guess it’s because i’m on the verge of a career move and i want to jump to something that i can be happy doing. i know wishing won’t get me anywhere now, but i wish i had done all this soul searching when i was younger.

in saying all of this, i am also assessing where my skills lie. i think i have come to the conclusion that while i like doing web design, i am a print designer who dabbles in the web. i think that is something that will not be changed without either some schooling or some serious study in my down time.

well, the thinking will continue, but i’ve got to get back to work in my current job. i’ll try to keep you all better updated on all this stuff going on. it’s funny that with war looming, this is all i can think about, but then isn’t life lived in the little details?